Week 323: The Congressional Record Invitational  


Little yellow squares of paper that you leave messages on, and then affix to a document with airplane glue.

A carbonated beverage made from cola nuts and just a hint of salmon.

A medical device to inspect one's colon via insertion of a long tube connected to a live cockroach cam.

A vacuum tube device that transmits sounds and images, powered by a basic lawn mower engine. 

This week's contest was suggested by Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., who wins a corkscrew-through-the-head gag. Mary did not know she was suggesting this contest when she submitted 607 entries to the Week 320 contest below, thereby setting an all-time record for entries by one person in one week. Mary also set an all-time record for futility, since not one of her entries was published. Here is the interesting part: All of her entries were worthy. Several were eliminated only at the final cut. Which got us thinking: Some ideas are quite good, but -- in an antiquated cliche of the publishing industry -- need to be run through the typewriter one more time. They need a little final polishing, as in the examples above. Come up with other not-quite-ready inventions, past or present. First-prize winner gets an elegant, bejeweled, one-of-a-kind emerald green leaded glass Style Invitational bumper sticker storage container, crafted by Peyton Coyner of Afton, who wins squirting gum.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 323, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 31. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Lie No One Believes was written by Bill Strider of Gaithersburg. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 320, in which we asked you to take any two horses qualifying for the Triple Crown races, mate them and propose a name for their foal.

Fourth Runner-Up: Mate Sailor's Warning with Cartel and name the foal Avast Conspiracy. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up: Mate Black Mercury with Forestry and name the foal Hg a Tree.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up: Mate Answer Lively with Ghost Story and name the foal Phantom of the Oprah. (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring)

First Runner-Up: Mate Polish Pianist with Drama Critic and name the foal Show Pan.

(David Genser, Arlington)

And the winner of the William Donald Schaefer plate:

Mate Breathtaking View with King of Scat and name the foal Awe Crap.

(Dante D. Bruno, New York)

Honorable Mentions:

Mate Private Leon with Why So Quiet and name the foal Silent Spinx. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mate Desert Hero with French Envoy and name the foal Tres Sheik. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate Hope for Soul with Inallprobability and name the foal Pascal's Wager.

(Martin Bredeck, Alexandria)

Mate Vicar with Charismatic and name the foal Mass Appeal. (Susan Cruzan Cohen, Washington)

Mate The Groom Is Red with Why So Quiet and name the foal The Groom Is Dead.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate Whosrunnintheshow with Shut Up n' Drive and name the foal Yes Dear.

(Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Mate Walk That Walk with Gun Play and name the foal Dead Man Walking. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate Poirot with Noneoftheabove and name the foal Belgian Waffles. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mate Flash Laru with First Bite and name the foal Whippersnapper. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Mate Excellent Meeting with One Last Trick and name the foal Staph Meeting.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Mate Drama Critic with Straight Man and named the foal Yeah Right. (Mike Long, Burke)

Mate Noteasybeingreen with Sailor's Warning and name the foal Dramamine. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Mate Highest Peak with Ghost Story and name the foal Peak a Boo. (Debbie Stewart, Germantown; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate Drama Critic with Why So Quiet and name the foal Gene Siskel. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Mate Dan's Report with Daytime Robbery and name the Foal Whatsthefrequency.

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Mate Absolute Harmony with Fantastic Finish and name the foal Simultaneous O.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Mate Oh What a Windfall with Philabuster and name the foal Oh What a Windbag.

(Michael J. Hammer, Arlington)

Mate Capsized with King's Crown and name the foal Royal Dentist. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate First American with King of Scat and name the foal Amerigo Vespoopi.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mate Support with French Envoy and name the foal Jacques Strap. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Mate Dacha Nights with Walk That Walk and name the foal Hot to Trotsky. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate King of Scat with Yes It's True and name the foal Bear in the Woods. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mate Badge with Untuttable and name the foal Elliott Fudd. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Mate Drama Critic with Noteasybeingreen and name the foal Pauline Kale. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mate Kutsa with Why So Quiet and name the foal Silent but Deadly. (Rich and Carol Weaver, Waldorf)

Mate Successful Appeal with High Wire Act and name the foal TheFilingWallendas.

(Susan Reese, Arlington)

Mate Motor Scooter with One Last Trick and name the foal Harlot Davidson. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Mate Kipling with Straight Man and name the foal I've Never Kippled. (David Genser, Arlington)

Mate Sam Huff with Wasted and name the foal Blitzed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Mate Bugatti with Eagleton and name the foal Expensive Shocks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Mate King of the Hunt with Hope for Soul and name the foal Let Us Prey. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mate Kyd Dynamite with Kid Kapow and name the foal Baby Boomer. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Mate Digital Man with Macavity and name the foal Gynecologist. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Mate Davey's Cutlass with Dancing Arrow and name the foal Dave's Arrow. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Rookie of the week:

Mate King of Scat with Diggit and name the foal Pooper Scooper. (Bob Sassaman, Olney)

And last:

Mate Brilliant Style with Sea Czar and name the foal I'm a Buttkisser. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Interpret This